️⚡️” A girl has to find a man who knows what to do. A woman can teach any man to become the master of her body.” ⚡️️
My coach delivered this line to me about a year ago.
I’m now remembering this wisdom as I put it into practice with astonishing results.
All too often however, woman shut up and stay silent when they don’t receive the pleasure and ecstasy that they want in bed.
This has definitely been my story too.
God knows I learnt terrible man pleasing behaviours in bed as a teenager.
Behaviours that lasted well into my late 30s / early 40s when they became acutely uncomfortable and yet still super difficult to shed.
It feels hard to crush a man’s ego. Right?
I mean, that’s what I always thought.
I’d rather stay silent and get by on crumbs of sensation than tell him what he’s doing wrong and what I’d prefer instead.
The truth is that this situation is extremely common and the source of much unhappiness in relationships as the woman slowly retracts and closes up and her man is left feeling hungry and forlorn out in the cold, and wondering what on earth went wrong.
As another wise teacher of mine once said: “women want sex as much as men. They just don’t want the type of sex that’s on offer.”
But before we go headlong into blaming men, let’s consider the absolute dearth of information out there about the female body and the female orgasm in particular.
Perhaps things are getting slightly better now due to few brave female activists, but back in the late 80s / early 90s when I was becoming sexually active, I did so in an absolute vacuum of information.
My genitals were an empty space, a mysterious land, a dark hole, an impenetrable forest..
Name them what you will, but I knew absolutely EFF ALL about the bits and pieces between my legs.
Nowadays there are artists, writers, speakers, teachers and facilitators who are doing their best to bring more consciousness to female sexuality and promote that consciousness to the world.
Yet this is a drop in the ocean when it comes to the pernicious mainstream, it’s increasing susceptibility to porn and the lack of information provided by establishment educators and medics.
So. Honey. It’s something bigger than just your man’s fault. It’s something that affects us all.
So rather than expecting him to just know and getting resentful that he doesn’t, thinking of it as a far reaching cultural problem might help.
Darling!!! He needs educating and who better to help him than the owner of a female body ie YOU!!!
Deep down, men want to please us. They want to work out how we work and give us what we want.
When their woman is turned ON they can do no wrong.
When their woman is turned OFF they can do no right.
It is then, super beneficial to them to figure out how to caress, to touch, to f*ck and ultimately to delight us.
To put it more bluntly: consider how much pleasure a man takes in fixing a car, reading a map or winning a game??
Well. You are the vehicle, the terrain and THE PRIZE
He wants to drive things forward, to explore and TO WIN.
He just needs the instruction manual and / or the rules of the game!!!!
So when you next think about putting up and shutting up, consider this:
By denying him the information he needs, you are depriving not just yourself but also him.
know this goes against all of your cultural conditioning that says a man must take the lead, and as such might be pretty confronting, but sister goddess, you have to speak.
Even though there may be some genuine fears behind your silence.
Perhaps you are scared that he will close down, disconnect or just simply ignore you.
Perhaps that he will lash out at you because he is triggered and his ego threatened.
Perhaps you are scared that he will seem to take it on board but actually not fully understand and still make silly mistakes.
Yes darling. These are all hazards of the game.
Yet if it works you stand to gain unlimited s*xual ecstasy and a much enhanced intimacy, closeness and mutual respect.
On that basis then, are the risks worth taking?
If the answer is yes and your heart is beating fast at the thought of it, here are a few steps you can take to enhance your chances of success (because let’s face it, it is ultimately a super sensitive thing):
☯️ Stop faking it. If you are simulating orgasm or pleasure then stop. It might feel awkward and your s*x life might temporarily take a dive, but you are aiming for higher ground. He won’t know that there’s anything wrong if you are giving signs that things are right.
☯️ Practice regular self-pleasure. Get to know your body so that you can teach him how to touch you pleasurably too.
☯️ Write out all your fears before talking to him. Start with the sentence ‘I have resentment towards asking for what I want in bed because...’
I have fear that XXX
I have fear that XXX
I have fear that XXX
Continue until all your fears have been listed.
Rip them up and tell the universe that you are releasing your fears into her divine care.
☯️ Next write out all your desires for s*x and intimacy.
Start each sentence with: ‘I desire..’
☯️ As soon as you feel the desire for something different with him in real time, tell him. Take a deep breath and just dive in. Asking in the present moment will feel the most authentic and turned on.
☯️ Say it in a way that helps him win. Stay away from complaints and focus on requests. Make your requests clear and easy to understand. If you find yourself feeling a lot of charge and going into complaint, repeat the fear and desire writing exercises until you feel clear.
☯️ Explain the benefits ie. I’d love it if you could do XXX because it would have me feel XXX and when I feel that way I XXX
☯️ Make your requests with love and patience. It may take him a little time as this could be totally new to him.
☯️ Watch for willingness and integrity. Is he willing to try? Does he follow through on what he says? He maybe slow but is he moving? If not then it may be time to say goodbye.
☯️ Have approval for yourself. You contain the divine within you. S*x is a portal to that divinity. Honour your right to experience s*xual ecstasy and bliss.
☯️ Trust in abundance. If this man doesn’t get it, another man will. The world is changing. Men are catching on. The more women who speak their desire the faster that change will occur. Your truth is important. And truth is the doorway to both intimacy and passion. In fact. It’s the only way to have both.